My 20-Sided-Diet, or , Supersize Me (on my character sheet)

I thought looking for people who willingly play Dungeons and Dragons would be easy. I see kids with long hair wearing Rush shirts all the time. The ones who don’t make eye contact through their Chris Murphy-esque glasses- but no. Television shows depicting ‘geeks’, ‘nerds’, and ‘dweebs’ have developed a vicious misconception about who to trust as DungeonMaster.

Feed Me Back, or, GWOOOOOORRRRRRMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMUH

I’ve haven’t been this hungry since I last lived in a tent for an undetermined length of time. I think its one part phantom pains brought on by a lack of food cooked in a school bus, and one part meth-addict-esque metabolism brought on by drafting behind busses in rush-hour traffic. My tum sounds like My Bloody Valentine.

Offtime Beats, or, Whichever Weigh

These fifty-eight words have been hard to come by, lately. The long and the short of it: I’ve taken to wearing spandex and manufacturing a backup identity in case something goes awry (it very well may). Those two things aren’t entirely unrelated. I can handle grease burns a lot easier than I can handle most conversations these days.

Totally Alert and Incomprehensible, or, Neutered Nougat

This morning, I thought to myself ‘Hey, if I want a kitten so badly, I should just buy one of those chocolate-covered ones! Then I can eat the outside and keep the adorable inside!’

It took me a good five minutes for it to register that those delicious pets don’t actually exist.

I was utterly devastated.

Stupid reality.

I Wanna Start A Fambly!, or, Never, Ever Let Me Start A Family.

I have been compiling a list of kitten names for some time
Avery
Gideon
Goon
Saban
Akimbo
Jehu
Khan
Elvrum
Pemberton
Santos
Epworth
Yoni
Boombox
Pecola
Elkas
Kurosawa
Guthrie
Kidynamite
VanGaalen
Hoosier
Rashomon
Blurton
Koushik
Bannon
Haverty
Negundo
Kylesa
Pecola
Burdock
Penelope
Yndi
Cadeaux
Molina
Guthrie
Kuro
Yoni
Simka
Kinsey
Windom
Sylvie
Gingembre
Olgorki
Ghettoblaster
Onieda
Yoshimi
Bookcase

The first rule of Bitch Gulf is...

Things will change. I will ask myself while I walk to work- I will ask ‘What will happen...what will change in my life if I turn at the next corner and punch the next person I see in the face?’ If the answer is ‘nothing’, it’s time for me to move. I suggest you try the same thing.

What Ikea advertisements have done for me (Lately)

The Brave Little Toaster made me into a pack rat. Seeing what those household items went through to get back to their owner (Whom they loved) made me want to hold onto every blanket and lamp I’ve ever owned. I’m still terrified of running over the Vacuum’s chord ‘cause I’m afraid of being charged with assisting a suicide.