The first rule of Bitch Gulf is...

Things will change. I will ask myself while I walk to work- I will ask ‘What will happen...what will change in my life if I turn at the next corner and punch the next person I see in the face?’ If the answer is ‘nothing’, it’s time for me to move. I suggest you try the same thing.

What Ikea advertisements have done for me (Lately)

The Brave Little Toaster made me into a pack rat. Seeing what those household items went through to get back to their owner (Whom they loved) made me want to hold onto every blanket and lamp I’ve ever owned. I’m still terrified of running over the Vacuum’s chord ‘cause I’m afraid of being charged with assisting a suicide.

Unsolicited listsededs, or, A Plan Is Just A List of Things That Don't Happen

What I hope to accomplish in 2009:

- Beat Mother 3

- Go to California

- Make my own cheese

- Swanton bomb at least three people

- Get a hilarious tattoo that’s only funny for the last eight minutes before its etched into my behind

- Mail postcards to twenty-seven people

- Eat a zabillion grilled cheeses