Totally Alert and Incomprehensible, or, Neutered Nougat

This morning, I thought to myself ‘Hey, if I want a kitten so badly, I should just buy one of those chocolate-covered ones! Then I can eat the outside and keep the adorable inside!’

It took me a good five minutes for it to register that those delicious pets don’t actually exist.

I was utterly devastated.

Stupid reality.

I Wanna Start A Fambly!, or, Never, Ever Let Me Start A Family.

I have been compiling a list of kitten names for some time
Avery
Gideon
Goon
Saban
Akimbo
Jehu
Khan
Elvrum
Pemberton
Santos
Epworth
Yoni
Boombox
Pecola
Elkas
Kurosawa
Guthrie
Kidynamite
VanGaalen
Hoosier
Rashomon
Blurton
Koushik
Bannon
Haverty
Negundo
Kylesa
Pecola
Burdock
Penelope
Yndi
Cadeaux
Molina
Guthrie
Kuro
Yoni
Simka
Kinsey
Windom
Sylvie
Gingembre
Olgorki
Ghettoblaster
Onieda
Yoshimi
Bookcase

The first rule of Bitch Gulf is...

Things will change. I will ask myself while I walk to work- I will ask ‘What will happen...what will change in my life if I turn at the next corner and punch the next person I see in the face?’ If the answer is ‘nothing’, it’s time for me to move. I suggest you try the same thing.

What Ikea advertisements have done for me (Lately)

The Brave Little Toaster made me into a pack rat. Seeing what those household items went through to get back to their owner (Whom they loved) made me want to hold onto every blanket and lamp I’ve ever owned. I’m still terrified of running over the Vacuum’s chord ‘cause I’m afraid of being charged with assisting a suicide.

Unsolicited listsededs, or, A Plan Is Just A List of Things That Don't Happen

What I hope to accomplish in 2009:

- Beat Mother 3

- Go to California

- Make my own cheese

- Swanton bomb at least three people

- Get a hilarious tattoo that’s only funny for the last eight minutes before its etched into my behind

- Mail postcards to twenty-seven people

- Eat a zabillion grilled cheeses

Snapping Synapse

I'm fortunate; without the ability to choose how to remember, I can memorize an entire thunderstorm. Bolt for bolt. Against my will. I'll remember how many steps from my front door to yours, long after I have forgotten how to spell your last name or the smell of your apartment. I only remember the easy parts. Lucky me.

Hit The Coast As Hard As You Can.

The way it’s snowing right now, I feel like I brought it with me. People here said "No, it never snows here. It might rain all winter long, but it'll barely ever snow.”

Well, it’s snowed for three days now. Three fucking days. It came through the crack in my window and it felt like pins and needles.